These words are words, phrases, sentences, questions, inquiries you never want to hear uttered from the mouth of your loving DH. I have heard these and in most instances I can answer with one word, a smile, or the look with the eyebrow. Ladies you know that look. The one where you look at DH or some other poor dolt inquirer.
You look at them like “Did you really just ask me that and do you expect an intelligent answer to your clearly daft question?”
So here are a few crowd pleasers that I incur from DH, strangers in Costco who cannot help themselves, and other dolts:
1. Are these clean or dirty? (text can be applied to dishes or clothes)
My response is the look, then I tell him….well do they stink? Do they have gunk on them? Which appliance are they in…dryer means they are dry….after being cleaned! Dishwasher, do they look clean to you?
2. Did you feed the kids yet?
Hmmm, no I was too busy blogging, Tweeting, sending emails that I decided to pour Cheerios all over the floor and let them forage for a few hours before I actually got around to making them a meal.
3. Are you already showered?
I generally smell of my designer perfume (Ralph Lauren Glamorous is one of my faves), I have fresh make-up instead of my Frankenstein Bride eyes, and my shoes are on…..what do you think?
4. Oh wow, are they identical?
Considering that identical means the same…..hmmmm….well one has a penis and the other a vagina…highly doubt they are the same.
5. Do twins run in your family?
This is a “digger” as I call them. Some random unknown individual decides they need to know whether you needed invitro or not to start up a lengthy conversation. Believe me if I had invitro, I would be in a straight jacket….born to breed!
6. How do you do it?
I mean really do I have a choice in this life? I was given a couple of peaches, a pear, and other fruits in my life…I made a salad.
7. What’s for dinner?
Let me ask “Cookie” since she’s in there whipping up some gourmet delight with macaroni and cheese, turkey burger…….why don’t you make dinner for once. Oh right, if it doesn’t have instructions you are lost.
8. (laying peacefully, quietly in bed as I doze into my slumber wonderland) You going to sleep?
What was the first clue?
9. Have you seen my shoes? belt? jeans? Other random article of clothing belonging to someone else OTHER than moi.
Let’s see, I tried it on but was clashing with my shoes today and my other ensemble.
10. Are they all your children?
No, I got these two on sale from a lady down the street and this one the UFO dropped off six years ago. We’re still waiting for them to come back for him.
11. Do they all have the same daddy?
Nope….I decided it would be fun to have twins from two different fathers, and my oldest looks nothing (identical) like his father. I got that question from a dude at Home Depot one day.
12. Is that you or the dog?
Do we really need to go there?
13. Did you clean the house?
Nope, a truckload of munchkins, dwarves and fairies swooped in today and did it all for me, then even left a pair of ruby red slippers for me.
14. Are you going to wear that?
Why does it make my ass look any smaller? If so heck ya! It’s black, does it get any better?
15. Are you going somewhere?
Keys in hand, purse (diaper bag) on shoulders, sunglasses….nope…this is how I stroll around the house.
16. Are the twins asleep?
I don’t hear anything…..do you? (*crickets) Oh wait, there they are, duct taped to the wall, no wonder the house was so quiet.
17. (sitting on the comode) What are you doing?
(Do I truly have to answer?)…..I’m thinking. I do my best thinking with my pants at my ankles sitting on the latrine with little people and adults looking at me.
18. This one is courtesy of Jenjen @ Gotta Love Mom : Are you tired?
Let’s see I am a mom…..first clue….I wear many hats (chauffeur, maid, dog walker, gardener, pool guy/girl, sex goddess, domestic diva, the list is endless)…second clue….and my work seems to never be done is the final clue. So you tell me….are you tired from listening to me?
19. These are from my dear twin Mom blogger Beth @ Be Careful What You Wish For: “oh my god, what are you going to do?” (The question when you tell people you are going to have twins)
Beth and I were separated at birth, twin moms have this sick sense of humor, which is why God deemed us fit enough to bear and care for more than one child at the same time. Here is Beth’s answer and I almost choked I was laughing so hard:
“i always wished i had the guts to say “actually, we’ve been looking into black market baby sales and it seems like a good deal. i think we are just going to sell them on the internet.”
20. Another Beth question and answer that I love! “Are you marrying your baby’s father?”
Can you imagine if i were to ask people this question in reverse?!?! “Oh, is this baby your husband’s?” (Go give Beth some comment love and a follow, she’s got some great stuff going on her blog! Just click on her linky above)
Do you have any obvious questions that never truly need answers, but find a shady form of comedy to entertain the question to keep from losing your mind. Leave your comments, I would love to share with other Mom’s and Dad’s. Happy Friday!
Keep the comments coming ladies….you know you have had some really stupid questions asked that you where you have experienced a hidden urge to slap the person who asked. All in good fun.