I, am the oldest of 5 children. Not all from the same mother. Hang in there….
I have 2 “blood” siblings from my mother, then 2 “half” siblings from their mother.
Our common denominator is…..our father (yeah he was a man whore).
Now being the oldest of THAT many siblings is trying at best. My youngest (half) sister completely looked up to me and thought I was and am the most beautiful person ever. Very sweet of her, granted she just turned 20 so I chalk her up to being naive and not as jaded as I am. My younger sister, the sister I called my baby sister, poor dear always felt the need to live up to me. She too thought I was some goddess of heaven, I think, when we were growing up. Only recently did she find that I am not, nor was I ever, perfect.
Perfectly flawed really, but far far far from perfect.
My mother. Ah, yes, my mother. I was the first. I was the guinea pig. I was the one child you learn from, make all your mistakes with, wish the world for, expect the most out of. Yes, I was the ultimate mold, the continuous masterpiece in progress.
I EFFING HATE BEING THE OLDEST!
I love my mother dearly, but when she gets around me and starts “mothering” me in front of other people like I am still that masterpiece to be molded, my pitchfork and horns begin to poke through my skin and I can feel the fiery wrath of hell behind me just waiting to be unleashed at my command. I understand and love that she is my mother, I would ask for NO OTHER, however, STOP with the crap. And let me explain the crap…..and of course I am the only child who gets it….because you see I am the unconventional, NEVER have listened to my mother, oldest child. Strong willed, my way or the high way, you are always wrong I am always right oldest child. The other children get her crap…..but not to the extent I get it, because I am the first and oldest child, forever and always, the oldest child.
Here is how the “crap” was laid today in my “perfect” kingdom.
My mother, God-mother (yes I really have one of those….my folks were old school), sister, nieces and nephew all came to visit and play in the pool today at my house. I love visitors, because they visit and then they leave. Not like guests…guests stay a while….I hate guests. Anyway, the women are sitting around the kitchen yakking like a bunch of hens would while the children played when we began discussing children. I hate this discussion…..always have….I was hounded by a MIL for years about bearing fruit for her and what does she do? Never visits. Gosh, off on another tangent…sheesh! See this is why I have a therapist.
OK…..where was I?
Oh yes, the discussion about children.
Mom is telling god-mom all about my sister, myself and our brother and how many children we each have, planned to have, going to have, are not going to have anymore. Yadda Yadda Yadda My mother, being the snipe she can be threw out into the conversation about my situation with more children, like I really need more children…with my history,
“Well in my mind you are not done having children yet since neither you or C are fixed yet!”
“That does not mean we are going to have more children mother, this just means that we have craptastic health insurance and the cost of “FIXING” the flowering fruit is out of our budget, so what is in our budget is condoms.”
“No! You are not done yet. Until that deed is done, in my mind you are not done.”
“Not going to argue with you about MY uterus and HIS penis.”
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?
Now my mom never means these comments as a joke, or a kid, or I’m just saying. No, she says this to drive me mad. Half the time I want to reach over and choke her. Does she NOT understand the brutality I went through with my pregnancies? With my journey to motherhood? Does she truly not get that I AM DONE?!
Sister on the other hand, she chimed in how she is fixed, which mom backed her 100% that she is done having kids. (No offense Britt….you know how Mom can be)
???????????????????? Are you serious????????????????????
See as the oldest child we are pushed to the very edge of being perfect, we have to meet these untold standards. What standards? Where is the damn book that says “You must be this tall to ride this ride.” I find myself riding on Big G in that manner and I have made a conscious decision to stop, because I do NOT want the boy to end up like me. Resenting the comments his mother makes. I also do not want him to constantly be in pursuit of something that is unattainable and does not exist……PERFECTION. He is perfect in my eyes just the way he is, no better no worse. He is my creation and that makes him perfect.
I just do not understand why moms push the oldest children as hard as they do. I mean my life is challenging enough WITHOUT the childhood minutiae my mother can bring to the table.
So Mom, I love you, but do me a favor and keep your crappy comments to yourself. Even if you think you are just making cute jabs that are jokes or what have you….I really don’t need anymore hell in my life. Bad enough hell is my neighbor, I’d like for it to remain so.