My Conversation

The virtual diary. The Weblog of old and blog of new. A typepad diary to release inner demons, woe on politics, spew nonsense on the grandest scales, possibly invent a new comedy facet even Shakespeare could revel.

Diaries are not always meant to be read while others are published; some are for shock value, some are for reciprocal relations (not feeling alone in the world), and some are just written diarrhea that communicate nothing but allow us something else to stare aimlessly into a monitor.

While I am not “expert,” self-proclaimed “guru,” or self-proclaimed “top blogger” I do claim to be full of shit. Honestly. I have a lot of minutiae in my life that has molded me into the productive human being I am today. For example, I have been laboring in the employment arena for over 15 years. I am also an adult-child of an alcoholic. You want to know about alcoholism and how the “disease” (for lack of a better word) can destroy a family ask me so, I can tell you first hand. I can also share with you the art of being proactive, rather than reactive. Although sometimes reactions can be fun if you really want to spice up your dull suburban life. Other experiences include the loss of lives, lives I took part in creating but clearly an upperhand had other plans beyond my control. Experience life on drugs, the detox, share how even a prescription drug to keep you from feeling nuts can send you into a downward life spiral of dementia, then rising again anew.

Sometimes my blog makes sense. Sometimes my blog is a surprise of epic proportions where I can show the Skittle rainbow and then taketh away by showing you the dark depths of an inner child scorned by hurt and deception, smoke and mirrors. Sometimes I engage you in a comedic touch and others I attempt to engage you in a conversation and they aren’t always superficial or “socially acceptable.”  I also am in no way attempting to win any award, although I have some friends that I cherish who think I invented sliced bread and award me so, for them, I am full of heart, eternally grateful. (aka Ally,

Which brings me to a blog post I read today from a bloggy friend of mine who feels she is not of influence. What is influence really? Influence as I understand the meaning is that an action will have an effect. Sounds scientific…possibly not. I look at influence and the laws of cause and effect from a Buddhist standpoint.  For every cause there is an effect. Example: A lonely cow is in her field, she sees a herd pass, she joins the herd. The cause a herd passes your path, the effect, you become part of the cattle. (see where I am heading)

For example, the effect of turtling (hanging in one spot and one spot alone) where the flow of any traffic is impeded, the effect is that traffic will begin to gather around. That is not a gravitational pull, but your wide ass obstaining from moving, thus preventing in some cases bloggy constipation. However, if you act as a honey bee, visiting flower here and flower there, the results may not be immediate, but the effect is cross pollination, pollination period, the want of the flowers, for you the honey bee, to return each and every time. I felt my bloggy friend is very much the honey bee, while others are turtling excrements merely taking up space.She is the steady and constant bee on her pollination route, and one season soon, she will reap the rewards of all she has sown.

Blogs, emails, posts, Tweets, texts, and phone calls can all be a conversation. Short and sweet. Long and meaningful, or merely scripted fum is chum or is it Chum is Fum for the masses to gobble. (Yes that is a SpongeBob reference…..) Either way, the influence is the effect that is caused by what was said, how did you resonate in that individual (the cause), good or bad, he or she is clearly reaching for conversation, whether you choose to listen or answer proactively is up to you, because I see that both listening and proactive responses are participation in a conversation. You cannot converse if someone is not listening, and even when you think you are alone in your conversation, someone, just someone may be listening. Hold steady, hold true, and do not lose your love and feeling for your conversation. The cause of conversation is in effect influence.

Gratitude

Have you met the people who blog? I haven’t. I have met them through their beautiful writings, tweets, Vlogs, emails, and IM’s. Through these people I have seen beauty and strength. I have to say that bloggers are some of the coolest people around. Pat yourselves on the back, cheer, hoorah, because really I know that I am in the presence of greatness with some of the coolest, most genuine people. I am also super dooper UBER thankful for all the kind words, thoughts, prayers, kudos, MoJo, etc for myself during this time and for my family.

Seriously….some of the nicest and greatest people ever! You folks are awesome!

Now as a token….who wants to take a day off and come guest post? I would love to have some guest posts!

Am I living in a Hitchcock Movie

I wonder this so many times while cruising through the blogosphere. I guess I am blessed, lucky, per chance maybe that I have a great network of readers. Bloggers that truly have great content. I made a conscious decision the other day to “weed out” some true bullshit. Stuff that I was following for the sake of following but did not enjoy the content.I am finding more like that everyday.

I kept my very special reads….who lately I have failed to comment….but at least I see them on Facebook so at least I can keep in touch that way, but I had other reads that were quite frankly airing on the side of feeling chagrin. You know that feeling….the one where it is like….SHEESH, are we going to beat that horse again. Or are we past that yet? I mean I truly feel like I am in an Alfred Hitchcock twist of the Twilight Zone because my bloggers that I did enjoy are now part of the disease infested bloggers that I did not enjoy. The blase ones who think they are superior and really they are no different, they just have a larger bank account and bigger PR backing. The ones who just want to wreak of misery and bullshit about “OMG, Girl, did you see what she wrote on her blog?” and the “Unt uh, no she didn’t…I am so with her…I am so sick of that.”

When did blogs turn into high school?

A bunch of women. Grown. Child rearing. Child bearing. Grandmotherly. Women. Who act like a bunch of juvenile brats? I guess like I said I was stuck in Smallville reading about how other mom’s were struggling to maintain a level of sane like I was everyday. Frustrated about what to cook because frankly the day sucked and Pizza Hut, Papa Johns, Dominos, heck Taco Bell seemed more tantalizing than cooking. I was in Smallville enjoying the simple things of being a mom, the complex, the ordinary, the extraordinary, the fun, the sorrow, the laughs!! So when the hell did blogs turn into a “Well I am hanging with the cool chick and we are going to do this and take a stand” and when did women, who all share the same passions turn into enemies. Not even frenemies…well some, but not all. Was I in the twilight zone?

I guess this was my reason for not blogging either, other than my desire to read. To reconnect with my family and get through this hump of school and get back into a grind, a groove, the routine of life with my school aged son and now toddler twins!

I’m really curious if anyone knows what the deal is with blogs, with the bloggers? What happened to leaving well enough alone?

The Price Of Honesty

Funny about blogs. I have been reading all over about so many
bloggers celebrating their blog-o-versary.
Today was mine.

Silent hooray.

The only problem is that all day today I have been in damage control mode because I am a blogger of total and pure honesty. So much so that now my in-laws dislike me even more than they did before. I generated a post that created a LOT and I do mean A LOT of emotion, pure, raw honesty, pain, feelings, hurt, sadness, the whole gamut. I hurt feelings with the cold splash of truthful water being dashed in faces. I called out obvious truths that may not have been my place to call out, but I did so anyway. My only way of retraction and damage control is removal. Now…….I stand alone. On the anniversary of my blog…..crying, angry, upset that in the one place I found solace, the one place I had total control of my feelings, my words, my expressions, where I sought therapy, comfort from so many of my blog friends, and believe me you know who you are otherwise I will be here all night listing you and then emailing back and forth, I am afraid to speak my truths, to share my voice, the voice so many of you applaud for boldness, for the intensity of being HONEST and open, and unafraid. I now am afraid to write.

I write this post with the heaviest heart, at a cross roads of “to blog or not to blog” on the night of my blog anniversary. With no celebration. No fantastic giveaway or review to share today (which I so desperately want to do), not even a witty story to share about the kids or myself.

I truly felt this was my one safe place….to share with my friends. The REAL LIFE shit. No bullshit, no filler, no effing sugar coated candy shit. This is my LIFE! For all the crap that exists, for all the happiness I experience, the pain I feel, the sadness, the loss, the comedy, the tragedy, the fun, the highs, the lows, this is life from every aspect. But now I am paying the price.

My life has always been hard work. And I guess I was delusional enough to think that the price of maintaining a blog with the pure honesty that people, including myself, love, live, and thrive for is too heavy of a price. I am lost. I am not wanting to blog when I want to, when I feel I have an obligation based on my agreements, when so much to be said cannot for fear of retaliation for sharing MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, MY WORDS, on MY BLOG!!!

I found I have readers who remain anonymous, for what reason I do not know. I have readers I did not know I had or lied about knowing that I write, and I write in a very open forum. But it’s those readers that are pulling me away from my light. The darkness pulling me in which makes me sad because this is my light, my place, but I am being moderated.

I HATE BULLSHIT MODERATION!!!
..l..

This comment by a woman who hit the nail on the head is why I am lost and sad as what to do:

“I’m so glad that you put the post back up.
This is your blog and your voice. You should never give that up for anyone.”

So why do I feel like I do have to give up?
Where is the line between compromising and giving up or giving in?
So lost………